Transitions

'Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable.
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table.
Noone can find the rewind button, girl.
So cradle your head in your hands.
And breathe. Just breathe.
Yea, breathe. Just breathe. -- Anna Nalick

It's amazing to me sometimes that the globe keeps spinning and there isn't a single damn thing you can do but hang on for dear life. Even when something happens and you really feel the world should stop -- of course it doesn't. It just keeps up its relentless pace. And most days I feel like I'm sprinting right along with the rest, keeping pace nicely, moving along solidly in the middle-to-front of the pack -- but sometimes, every once in a blue moon, I simply lag behind. Or I stop. And then, like the weakest gazelle straying from the herd, with the lions looking on hungrily, I notice just how frenetic it all seems and how if you don't keep up things tend to slam into you, run you over, or chew you up and spit you out. And the world really doesn't stop to notice. Everyone just keeps right on runnin'.

And its just such a long damn race, isn't it?? How very, very long the journey has seemed at times. And yet my older friends tell me I am but a whiny fledgling. OK, I'll cop to that. Maybe I'm just delving into the realm of self-pity. But today I just need to reflect that, nod to Jerry, it has indeed been a long, strange trip.

And I've decided that what makes it seem so tiring are TRANSITIONS.

It's all about transitions.

New cities. New jobs. New relationships. New friends. And with every bit of 'new', some bit of 'old' seems to retract just that much further into the inaccessible recesses of the past. Thanks to the wonders of the Internet (yeah, okay -- thanks MySpace and Yahoo! and AOL), I've re-connected with bits of my past I thought were pretty much resigned to history. But the relentless pace of life moving forward, and the effort it takes simply to stay ahead of the game, seems to lead, albeit unintentionally, to much of our experience being allowed just to fade into obscurity while ever-changing new environments and scenarios and people come into being. Which on most days I accept without much thought -- or rather with real JOY -- as the inevitable process of life and happy growth. But today I'm thinking about it differently. And rather sadly.

2005-2006. New Year's only yesterday... now generally Easter and Spring time, Summer comin' up fast ... and each moment seems a time for new beginnings. Something new is always beginning. And I'm OK with that -- in fact most of my friends would laugh and tell you that I wouldn't have it any other way. Hell, I've lived 16 places in 13 years. I am the queen of 'moving on.' True dat, but it does get a little daunting always to start over. Sometimes I'm tired of 'new' and I yearn for 'old' -- or maybe just 'familiar.' I am generally indefatigable, but I tell you -- sometimes I just cannot muster the enthusiasm for one more brand spanking new adventure, however cool, exciting and fun. I just do not have the energy to 'carpe' one more damn 'diem.'

Today is one of those days.

Here's me -- adventursome, can't sit still me -- asking for just a tad bit of stability and continuity. And comfort. Can comfort be mobile? Can it come right along with me for the ride? Why do I associate stable and comfortable with NOT getting out there and really living? Perhaps there is something wrong with my perception of a life paradigm where 'stability' and 'excitement' don't coexist easily, if at all -- or is that really just one of life's unfair little ironies? Ugh. I am thinking myself in circles ... and really, my best friends would so tell me to get my head outta my butt at this point. But sorry, I'm just having that kind of day.

Yes, Mother told me there would be days like this.

However, she forgot to tell me she wouldn't always be here to tell me there would be days like this. You see, last week was the 6-month anniversary of her very unexpected death. And today is Mother's Day. And I cannot stop crying. And I cannot accept THIS transition. I do not WANT to start over this way -- without my Mom. I want the world to stop so I can catch up, and grieve, and process this. But it just keeps going, and I'm so, so very tired right now.

There isn't a price I wouldn't pay for one -- just one -- more time with her sitting on the edge of my bed, stroking my hair, and bestowing one of her patented "make it all OK" hugs that reminded me that there I DO have stability, and continuity, in a loving family that will ALWAYS be there for me. Even when they're not physically there anymore.

And then she would tell me to dry my tears, stop feeling sorry for myself and think of all the blessings that I DO have. Which are considerable. She would remind me that I am a power unto myself with gifts both natural and learned and that I will run this race as fast and as furiously as anyone, even when my confidence lacks and my strength flags. She would tell me not to give up, and that even when I feel so very much alone, I carry her pride and love with me whereever I go. And I WILL go -- and GROW -- through hundreds more transitions, some good, some not so good. But that eventually I will 'win' in one way or another because my real center... my real continuity... my real stability... is always within reach: within myself.

Happy Mother's Day, Mom. I miss you. And I hear you.