Put me in Coach, I'm ready to play!

No, no darling... you misunderstand. I do not speak of athletics. The only sporting category in which I actively compete is "retail." I mean to say, put me in COACH -- that fabulous maker of fine leather bags and boots and shoes. Lovely, lovely shoes. Because I am SO ready to PLAY this Spring.

You see, back in October, I fell in love. Or became obsessed. Whatever.

The object of my affection is a pair of Coach ocelot print (think: brighter leopard) shoes with red toe bows and trim. While it might sound a tad trailer park, you must think of the combo in a retro 50s sense. In the Oleg and Jackie O. designer/muse marriage made in heaven sense. (And truly, props to Mr. Cassini who passed away last month. The legend lives on -- especially in the new Donna Karan collection. Have you seen the gold dress from the '06 Spring line at Neiman Marcus? Alas, until it moves from Needless Markups to eBay, I will simply drool.)


But I digress.

So I bought the shoes. Always buy the shoes, people. There WILL be occasions to which to wear them. If you buy it, they will come.

So, of course, I did. With what should have been the rent money. As well as a red slinky silk dress. I have no idea what came over me. I think I was trying to channel Brigitte Bardot. Um, minus the animal activist thing. Hey, no worries. No real ocelots were harmed in the making of my shoes.

So anyway, the party has YET to arrive, dammit. Why? Because Spring has yet to be sprung here in the Bay Area. Why? BECAUSE IT's F***ING RAINING CATS and DOGS.

Now I would be OK if it were raining leopard print shoes. But it's not. It's simply pouring and pouring and pouring droves of bone-chilling water. On a good day it's simply misty. And muggy. And damp. Arrrrggghh. My hair cannot hold a curl to save its life. My good shoes are all smothering in their dust bags. My cute little Spring outfits are screaming to be let out of the closet and into the light of day. But there is no damn light. It is grey, grey, grey.

(Which reminds me... do you watch Grey's Anatomy? You should. Terrible fashion, all scrubs. But Patrick Dempsey IS Dr. McDreamy. Siiigggh.)

Alas, my lovely leopards are sitting idle while the weather waxes gross.

So instead, I have turned my attention to animals of another phylum. That's right... my FAVORITE guilty pleasure on loooong, rainy afternoons is indulging in that fabulous B-movie genre, the "Stupid Animal Horror Movie." Ohhhh yeahhhh.

Let's be clear. By Stupid Animal Horror Movie I am not referring to the upcoming T. Rajeevnath biopic Mother Teresa starring Paris Hilton. Nor am I talking about the upcoming Prince appearance on American Idol. Both of these are wrong and frightening, not to mention purple, in just too, too many ways.

The Stupid Animal Horror Movies to which I refer, every single one on the planet, have the same exact theme, plot, moral (yes there IS one, always) and ending.

Observe: Evil government agents/corporate scientists/aliens, bent on taking over the world/an island/New York, manage somehow to screw up their experiment and mutate an innocent/harmless [fill in the blank with animal(s)] who was formerly minding its own business eating some leaves in a jungle/zoo/ocean. This phenomenon is first discovered by the "bad" kids who are sneaking off to the woods/beach/rooftop to have sex. Morality play kicks in and they're dinner. Our hero, a small town sheriff/police officer/veterinarian with a criminal/military/CIA past and a gruff exterior with a heart of gold, discovers the remains... and the mutant... but... and this is key... no one believes him. Except the hot girl. Who is a scientist/investigative reporter/veterinarian. Who is his ex. Who broke his heart. Together they will trek through the world/island/New York, fight the evil corporate scientist/crazy professor (who is also our hero's long-time nemesis), find the mutant animal(s), explain why we should have sympathy for the poor misunderstood creatures just before killing them all, saving the world, and lamenting man's evil way of tampering with nature so very unnaturally. Roll credits as we see one forgotten egg hatch... dum dum dum dummmmmm.

You have your classic Jaws, OK (shout out to Peter Benchley, who died earlier this year. Do check out The Shark is Still Working about the legacy of the movie.) And maybe more recently the 1-degree of separation of Kevin Bacon classic Tremors. And there are several recent Stupid Animal Horror Movies like Arachnophobia and Lake Placid, that actually have decent cinematography and techno gizmos that put them in the highly viewable category.

But to the true afficionado ... these just do not have enough cheesy goodness. To be reeeeeaaallly enjoyable, there MUST be a high smarm factor. C'mon. The truly good SAHMs are all old and campy and have bad puppets on strings and fake blood and used to be featured on Elvira's Movie Macabre at 4 PM EST on Saturdays circa 1982. Look up, for example, 1973's Sssssss! -- in which Dirk Benedict (please tell me you remember Battlestar Galactica... or Face from the A-Team) is slowly turned into a King Cobra by his girlfriend's evil stepfather/Svengali dude. And then eaten by the previous boyfriend-snake. Oh sorry, gave away the ending there. Heh.

That said, there is much to look forward to from new Hollywood, too. Much to my delight, the rest of the world seems to have caught up with my guilt and my pleasure -- and they're making TONS of Stupid Animal Horror Movies that will be released this Spring and Summer. Oh goody. At least I'll have something to do until the rain goes the f*** away and does NOT come back another day.

Upcoming treats:

Slither: Oh come on! How can this not be hilarious?? The subtitle is Slug it Out. Love it! A guy named Grant Grant gets turned into a big slug factory. Because he wandered around in the woods after an alien meteor landed and poked a slimy thing with a stick. Note to self: never poke an alien slimy thing with a stick. Human-slug zombies paralyze their victims by projectile vomiting green goop. Slugs go racing -- yes, racing -- around all over trying to ooze into people's mouths. All against a soundtrack featuring Air Supply. Destined, truly destined, to become a classic.

Primeval: Orlando Jones is a news reporters who has to battle native warlords in (ta da) a remote jungle to bag a legendary 25-foot crocodile. Named Gustave. Oh yea. The croc has a name.

Snakes on a Plane: The title says it all. The two biggest Freudian phobias ever wrapped up into one fabulous 747. With our boy Samuel L. Jackson, no less. WTF? Every couple years, dude just needs to buy more groceries or something. In 1999 he was in Deep Blue Sea where the mutated tiger sharks (created by a lab trying to get rich off an Alzheimer's cure) swam backwards and his stunt double in his death scene was a blow-up doll. I shit you not, look it up. Now he's an FBI guy trying to guard a witness while a mob boss releases a crate of deadly snakes in middair. Yowsa.

Yeah, OK, so R. says "just turn down the temperature" and the snakes will... what?... go to sleep? R., there is clearly a SERIOUS SCIENTIFIC REASON why this will not work. Watch the movie. Hisssssss.

So, seriously... why do I love these flicks? I suppose because 'real' horror is just too bloody REAL. Pun intended. Especially nowadays. It's just much too... well... possible. With all the horror I see in the nightly news, beamed directly from Iraq and various other points both global and local, I just don't need to see another realistic axe murder. It seems somehow actually possible that I just might get attacked by a hockey-mask wearing mutant teenager with a Jamie Lee Curtis fixation. Or while on my way to a Vegas trade show, I could get trapped in the desert with a family of atom-bombed mutant flesh-eaters. This is the West Coast. Stranger things have happened.

It is, however, highly unlikely that I, personally, will be stupid enough to poke an alien slime pod with a stick whilst walking in the woods. Therefore... I am SAFE. It is SAFE to be scared when you know it won't really happen, right?

Hey... what was that? What was that noise?

Cujo????

Lines & Tiger prints & Barely there nude ... oh my!

By popular demand... yea, really, popular AND demand... here is my list, synthesized after scrutinizing all the fashion 'zines, websites, and Project Runway reruns this fashionista can stand (which is quite a lot, lemme tell ya) ...

THE TOP TEN MUST-HAVES for the NEXT SIX MONTHS

1. Black & White -- preferably together in the same outfit. Now don't go getting all 80s on this look though. Keep it simple. One main choice, a few other accents. Crisp white linen little dresses, with eyelet lace particularly (see #5) will be huge. Black and white spectator pumps are hot. Oh... and please, NO all-white shoes before Memorial Day -- Easter if you're in a sunny clime. Anytime ONLY if you're south of the Equator. Otherwise, it's just not done, Alice.

2. Wedges -- Preferably cork-soled. Or solid-wood soled. Or sisal-soled. Anything earthy-soled. And the higher the better. Teeter 'til you totter girls. The impossibly high (and this said by a girl who regularly wears Manolo 104s) Christian Louboutin wedge espadrilles set the trend at the Paris Fall runway shows. Also anything that ankle-ties and winds up the leg a bit. Forget forking out the $700 those Louboutin puppies will cost you, though. Go to Target. Seriously. And do NOT crisscross those laces up your legs gladiator-style unless you have a tan and you've got the calves for it. And I do NOT mean cows in your back yard.

3. Kelly Green and Barely There Nude. These colors (um, is nude a color? Hey there was that "skin" colored crayon, right?) are absolutely everywhere. On jackets at Target and silk dresses on the Calvin Klein NY Fashion Week runway. Estee Lauder has even taken its classic Youth Dew and made it Youth Dew Amber Nude. This is not your Mama's cadillac fragrance. Just do NOT let me catch you wearing kelly green in an alligator polo. (Bernard Lacoste died last week. Um, shame.)



4. Wide, Wide Belts. These have moved up from the low-slung hipster thang, to the Marilyn Monroe waist-cinching thang. This is a shame. I have no waist. I'm trying, but it's just not there yet. It used to be. I used to be a little slip of a thing. Alas. Back in the day. If you are not now, or never were, said slip of a thing... skip this trend. The thinner YOU are, the wider your BELT is allowed to be. And very definitely vice versa. If you don't have the waist for it, swing low sweet chariot.

5. Skinny Jeans. Welcome back to the retro, zipper-leg look. Stella for H&M does a great pair that sits low enough on the waist that you don't feel like 2 pounds of potatoes in a 1-pound sack.

6. Pencil Skirts. I love this. In black or light patterns. The whole retro Euro sophisticate thing is coming back strong. Has been really since Fall '04. It has a bit of an 80s New Wave vibe to it... but think Grace Kelly or Audrey Hepburn with an edge. And no helmet hair.

7. Lace. Everywhere. Lace is the new ruffle. But do NOT let me catch you in lace ruffles. You'll see it on the models. It does NOT look good on you. Trust me on this. Unless you're Johnny Depp. See previous posts. Mix girly lace with something rough. Like on jeans. Or with a wife-beater tank. You get the idea.



8. Metallics. All that glitters is gold, in this case. Or silver. Bronze, not so much. Glam is great but keep it light. One piece at a time usually works. You want to be a bit flashy, not a flash in the fashion pan. Ballet flats or big bangles are a great way to wear the new metals without bronzing the eyeballs of onlookers.

9. Animal prints. The zoo is alive and well and living in your closet. Not so much the mammals this season. Mostly snakes. In addition to being on planes (see next post), they have been skinned and are all over bags and shoes. This is mostly a trend that's simply continuing from Fall -- but interestingly there's a lot of dyeing going on so we're getting lilac python and pink cobras. Hmmmm... could be a whole new Stupid Animal Horror Movie. (See next post.)

10. Hobo totes. Again a continuing trend from Fall and Winter. Summer sacks are straw, or woven, or lighter canvas ... but they are still chock full of buckles and bulges and bangly hardware. Personally, this trend saves my butt. I can travel around the world on what's in my bag at any given moment. Tiny little clutches might be just fine for some, but this diva prefers her bags BIG.

And there you have it. There are of course TONS of other trends. But that's my opinion on the "get it now" list.

So... go get it now!